2008•05•09 ~ Alone again...
I’ll probably not file much here over the coming weeks. I feel a real need to be silent, and still. There has been very little time for reflection and this turn inward is needed. I want to return to yoga. I want to walk in woods and breathe for a while. So much has happened in the past few weeks. And soon, the final push on the new book begins. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Inhale again…I’m not abandoning this blog; I’m just aware of the pulls on my time in the coming months.
Ha, this just reminded me of a poem I wrote quite a while ago. Still one of my favourite poems to perform. Here:
Alone again
You take a deep breath.
You take a deep, deep breath
Inhale against this moment
You take your first breath in hours and immediately want to cry
You are tired and feel older than you are, and tonight it is snowing
and the snow covers the past and forgives the future
This snow offers an immediate salvation for everything you have done
You look out the snow at the window that is falling all around
You look out the snow at the window that is there
You look out the snow at the glass of wine in front of you
You begin to look out the snow at your life
You imagine the feel of falling snow on your naked body—
a million icy stabs on skin
each cold touch unique
because each cold flake is unique
And at first you can distinguish—shoulder, arm, elbow, nose,
cheek, belly, other shoulder, face, leg, thigh, foot, ear,
but then the points begin to meld
and in the end,
you are only cold
You order more wine
You ask for more wine
And the waiter brings more wine
And half fills a new glass with more wine
You look out the snow at the window that is there and you take a big breath.
You breathe deeply—inhale against the lurking sadness
But this resonates in the flow of life
Sitting by the window, the unspoken drifting past a café window
as you are warm with your glass of red and in the corner a crackling fire
and a waiter who knows exactly when to draw near with his lifted eyebrows
and arms akimbo
You wonder how many times you will have this scene
You wonder if the café is moving, or is it the snow?
You take a deep breath
You take a deep, deep breath
Inhale into this moment
You take another breath and immediately want to cry
You must breathe this snow without self-pity, or remorse
You will never find the beauty of snow if you are filled with self-pity
You look out the snow at the window that is there
You look out the snow at the world that is there.
You are simply alone in a snowstorm
And this is a far better aloneness
than the one you had with her.